what the hell am i doing? why the hell am i even writing this. i don't really want anyone to read it but it will be here all the same for the world to see as i cannot seperate myself from this facade. this place where you can be anyone you want. a grand dance where all are witty and ever so pretty. i've been told i "say i'll do something, and never follow through." so far it has taken me 5 years to do so. most of them miserable, another gouge i've created myself. i as far as human beings go am bullshit. no one is good enough for me, a me that i don't really in my heart of hearts believe to be that good. what kind of logic is that? none at all. if i'm such a fucking great person why can't i see it in myself. why don't the words and actions match up. so many projects left unfinished.
apparently i'm not finishing this one either.
maybe tomorrow. if i'm lucky.
where the fuck has the never ending optimism gone. it died with everything i loved.

and jessi, if you're reading this, don't worry love, i'll be there soon. must wrestle these inner demons for the next few months.