ah las vegas, home of sluts and drunkards alike.
on friday night, lml's parents decide to take her to las vegas for her birthday. we manage a direct flight from dinky foco airport to the "city of sin." arrive in a timely fashion, around dinner and proceed to dine at the pub inside our hotel the monte carlo. order a bacardi razz and do not get carded. interesting. have quesadilla with amazing pico da gallo and leave soon after. wander up and down strip. don't really gamble this night as daddy believes he may mess up the other people playing craps/blackjack/21 as he does not know rules. we watch water show at the bellagio and hope across the street to paris where lml orders a margarita, and is carded. basically friday was boring moving on...

saturday we awake and head to the ny ny for pizza as it is daddy's favorite thing in las vegas. but is it worth 3.75 a slice? i think not. he then looks at watch and says what time is it? 12? time to start drinkin!!! and we do. we head upstairs to the coyote ugly bar where they serve frozen drinks out of slurpyesk machines. get a strawberry daiquiri in a very large plastic glass with $2 off refills. ma gets teeny margarita. da gets the girliest drink of all some type of banana mango mixture. we all get the extra shot. hit the slots. some type of fishing game. win a dollar, started with 20. well whoopdeedoo. decide gambling is lame. return for another drink. this time a margarita extra shot. that night we attend the blue man group. before it starts entire audience is passed a wad of crepe paper which must be used to decorate oneself. won't reveal too much but is the most perfect of shows for lml. involves playing pvc pipes, lots of drums, twinkies, cap'n crunch and ends with a dance party. also, da seemed to enjoy himself a little too much and must still have been a little buzzed. we head back to our hotel and eat at the chinese restaraunt inside where the mushroom tofu is excellent. went upstairs and watched al sharpton on snl. not very funny except for the fact they placed the cuecards directly behind the camera and caused the rev to stare blindly at the viewer throughout the entire show.

wake up around 11 ish or so. wander for a while and decide to eat at caeser's in this little place called viale. which was adored and ate the best sandwich ever in me life. seriously i'm not lying, a panini with roasted red peppers, mushroom and fontina cheese. gah so good. then headed into the bellagio and checked out the monet exhibit. which was without a doubt some of the most beautiful artwork i've ever seen. and to actually be there standing in front of a real monet. simply i was loving it. they give you those little tour things and you kinda want to listen but really i could have parked my keister in front of any of them at sat for a good half hour in awe. can't explain it properly. i have a book on him that i got for my birthday years and years ago and sat there looking at the studies he did of rouen cathedral flipping through them over and over and there it was on the wall in front of me and i couldn't even breathe because it was so beautiful. and then i was swallowed by the giftshop for an exorbatant amount of time because to many artsy things were crammed into a small space. they do that on purpose for people like me. the people who never buy anything but are entranced by art books, magnets, puzzles, prints and stuffed mozart dolls that play his overtures. ridiculous. the rest, well the rest was bad. after the buying came the drinking. we returned to ny for more large girly drinks. first one tastes like fruit punch. extra shot. sadly the bartender remembered us from the day before. ma is up to the challenge and also gets a large cup. hit the slots. not to much luck. ma returns to the price is right machine that one her 12 bucks the day before and instead loses 20. some how lml wins 15 off of a 5. excellent. and the well is dry. lml and her padre return for another as madre has not even had 1/4 of the first. margarita. extra shot. head back to the fishes. lost 2.50. hold onto remaining nickels for awhile. move to a new machine. don't remember what it was. not excellent. lose another 2.50 and all drinks are empty. head up to the bar again. margarita NO extra shot. was feeling quite drunk enough already. pa teases ma she must catch up as we are on our third. at this point parents are fairly out of sorts as well, and find this hilarious. somehow da tricks the ladies into the actually bar part of coyote ugly where we stand inside for way to long waiting for the "show" to start. get bored and start dancing to weird early nineties pop playing. by the way las vegas is currently obsessed with early nineties music and you cannot walk for 5 minutes without hearing some cheesy song long forgotten that sadly you do know the words to and sing along in a hypnotic state. girl finally comes out and starts dancing on the bar. she sucks. she is not even good at pretending to look slutty. the ladies have had enough and we leave. for some reason we head across the street to the mgm. am having a good time now sitting at a bar watching some douche play the piano. he wasn't a bad singer, just creepy to look at. and stuck his leg out with his toe pointed throughout the entire performance. padre orders a bud. big surprise there. man starts singing "piano man" and alters the words for the fellow next to him with a birthday. mild cheddarly funny. bored out of mind, but drunk so it's alright. potty break. carded for being in bar. ma gets the munchies and wants to leave. so we do. don't remember anything about the return trip from the mgm but a sign for rita rudner where in i remark "she's had that damn picture for ten years. it's time for a new one." because seriously what the fuck. next rememberance standing in lobby of monte carlo while me ma ma buys sack of chips in gift shop. next i'm in the room vomitting my brains out into the toilet. parents take turns meandering in to pat my head and stick a cold washcloth on it. pa decides he wants pizza and i vehemeantly reply "well you're not eatin it in here!!" they are watching some type of law and order crap and i lie on the bathmat embarassed that my first of drink til you puke experience can be blamed on my parents. i clean the bathroom so that no one else will have to, and in the morning find it a damn good job under the circumstances. somehow make it to bed and pass out.

sunday. the morning of all mornings. wake up at 4, wake up at 6, wake up at 8 and had the best day of my life!!! no. vomitted again, but feel loads better. time for the water and bagel with cream cheese. inspect trash and find parents had eaten their pizza in the bathroom so as not to disturb my drunk ass self passed out on the bed. am sickened by merely looking at the damn plastic coyote glasses. have to check out at 11. head to food court, can only consume a sprite. window shop to kill time for flight leaves at 3. give up and head to airport. once arrived parents decide to sit in airport bar. get carded just to sit inside. dad orders bud, orders ma budlight and out of all seriousness asks "well, what are you having?" i want to punch him but instead squeeze the neck of my waterbottle in deathgrip. have two bags of white cheddar popcorn and a bag of peanut m&ms. would be feeling a lot better where i not surrounded by smoke and the bar i can see directly across from me. vow not to drink for a good while. board plane with vomity feeling. worst plane ride ever.

what we can learn from this 1) don't order the extra shot if you don't know how much alky there is in the first place 2) never get on a plane with a massive hangover 3) my parents are fucking hilarious. and they did take care of me so don't think badly of them. happy 21st birthday dipshit.